I am a 23 year old with a house, a chocolate lab, an enjoyable job, a 1990 Toyota Corolla, a twin sister and an above average boyfriend. Well by boyfriend I technically mean fiance, but who can stand that word? Until he's my husband, he will continue to be my boyfriend. I live in the same small town I grew up in. I have some seriously great friends and one or two I could probably do without. Overall my life is as I expected and I wouldn't trade it for anything short of a 649 ticket with 6 matching numbers, plus the bonus. I'm mostly all talk but there aren't many things I wouldn't do for a few million bucks. Here are some things I would give millions to never deal with again:
1)Eating Habits. People who DRAG their teeth across their metal fork while eating. This mentally and physically revolts me. In my opinion dealing with that sound is comparable to being raped in a female prison. Not only does it likely cause oral damage but it gives me the NO feeling throughout my whole body. Hense the comparison to being raped by a bull-dyke. While we're on the eating topic I should say I do find it personally offensive when people think it's remotely appropriate to come within a 1 mile radius of anyone while devouring a loaded subway sandwich. Don't take this the wrong way, everyone loves a properly made sub but WHY someone would get extra onion on their mid-day sandwich is beyond my thought process. That oniony smell which is often confused with the scent of ripe B.O. lingers for an obscene amount of time. I like onions, I like garlic, but most of all I like my personal hygiene not coming into question.
2)Facebook Updates. I'm going to try to keep this one short and sweet because I could go on about several topics in relation to facebook annoyances. For the time being I will only focus on one major type of facebooker: the status updater. I like to know where you got the idea that anyone with a pulse cares about the fact that you: hate your job, are in love with the man of your dreams, have a rash, or that you don't have plans for Friday night. SHUT THE FUCK UP! The only thing I find satisfying about someone posting 8 updates in one day is that then I actually have an reasonable excuse to talk about how much I personally hate them. The best thing facebook has created to date is the 'hide this person' option for your homepage. Because honestly, as much as you hate those mother fuckers that are updating hourly you have to keep them at arms reach (or literally speaking, on your friend list). I mean theres always a chance they might get pregnant, paralyzed, or punched in the face. Nothing like getting an earful of juicy gossip only to be derailed by a closed profile!
3)Simpleton Grammar. I am no genius when it comes to punctuation, spelling or even grammar. If you're this far into my blog it's likely that you're nodding your head. I'm also not a mental fucking retard. I'm not university educated or even college educated for that matter but any half wit should be able to recognize basic English. Saying things like "I seen that movie last night" makes you sound just as hillbilly as saying "I seen cousin Mary sucking cousin Mikes dick last night". You SAW it, past tense you goddamn idiot.
That's enough negativity for now, it is Friday after all. I just figured anyone reading this garbage would need a crash course on some of things that are closest to my heart. From this I hope you will all think twice before hitting that 'share' button on facebook, willingly grinding metal on your pearly whites or sucking your cousins dick.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Christmas Cheer & Fear
The holidays are finally over! Don't get my wrong, I LOVE that time of year. Theres always enough food to feed everyone twice and no one looks at you funny when you pour yourself a stiff one before noon. Luckily for me, my boyfriends family celebrates Christmas Eve so I never have to sacrifice my regular family tradition. This year I approached Christmas morning for a semi different angle then I usually do, an extremely hungover angle. A very regrettable unplanned action. I don't know why is it I choose to sabotage myself on the second favorite day of the year (close second to my birthday). Luckily I proved that nothing can keep me for enjoying all the glories of that festive morning. After getting through a day like that with a smile on my face I must admit I felt pretty unstoppable. That was until Dec. 30th rolled around....
After years of talking about going away for a snowy New Years vacation we had finally planned something to get excited about this year. With one of my best friends turning 30 on New Years it seems only appropriate. After about 100 emails and countless hours of internet searching for a cabin rental (which over New Years is not easy OR cheap to find) we found the perfect lake side cabin. Going through Christmas knowing we still had 3 nights of worry free fun ahead of us over New Years made the holiday that much more sweet. Finally the morning of Dec 30th had arrived, we could depart on our final holiday of 2010. Chris (birthday boy, friend & driver) showed up to pick us up as planned at 7am. That is when the bomb was dropped. "I have the flu" were the first words out of Chris's mouth. Something I may have left out about myself is that I'm borderline obsessive compulsive about germs. My worst nightmare had come true. A 3.5 hour closed window drive up to our snowy heaven in a contaminated truck with a poisonous human who had spent the night puking and pissing out of his ass. I took every possible precaution on the way up but it only delayed the inevitable.
It all started around about 11pm when my ice cold Granville Island Winter Ale started to taste funny. Thats when I knew something might be up because normally that flavour of beer is beyond delicious. I decided with little reluctance that I should hit the hay early that night so I wouldn't get run down and in turn become vile and polluted with this horrific flu myself. I fell asleep rather quickly only to be jerked awake an hour later by the cold sweat draining from my pores. I could still hear everyone downstairs having a gay old time. I went to the washroom (which luckily was located adjacent to our room) as more of a test than anything. There and then my worst fears were confirmed, I had most definitely been infected. That bathroom with the shitty slanted low ceiling and the hideous vinyl floor is where I spent a better part of the next 10 hours. Luckily for me about 2 hours in to my sentence my drunk friends made there way upstairs. A little after that with help from my stank-ass booze breath boyfriend I received the best gift of the whole Christmas season, a bucket. It's amazing how much you appreciate something so small when your body is ejecting fluids from all of your orifices at once.
"You'll be fine, it's probably only food poisoning" said my lovely boyfriend Carey had said. I may be a bit of a germaphobe but come on Carey, I can't mentally give myself the flu. This was especially annoying coming from a person who has NEVER in his life had the flu. Never, which I find that borderline offensive. Anyways that paints the basic picture of my 3 days at the cabin. Carey came up at about 11:58 on New Years Eve and popped open a bottle of champagne to ring in the new year (I didn't get my New Years kiss for about 5 more days due to my toxic state). Though I did everything in my power to avoid the smell of that freshly opened champagne it's the thought that counts. 1 point for Carey.
I know your waiting for it... the reaaallly thin silver lining. I didn't once succumb to 'the fear' (meaning I didn't shit my pants). Just kidding, that hardly seems like a silver lining. I don't think I've mentioned this minor detail yet but I'm getting married in July! This I'm sure will be the topic of many rants and raves to come. Anyways, since the day Carey proposed I've been on a pretty serious diet and exercise schedule. Obviously I have no plans of being a whale on my surely glorious wedding day. There had been some cheating in the month of December and I was getting off track (and dis-pleased with my daily weigh in's). So after 3 days of puke and dia(rrhea) I arrive back home with a flat stomach, sunken cheekbones and a whopping 8 lbs lighter. My self loathing quickly turned into narcissistic pride. And so with great joy began 2011 with a nice jump start, which was enough to get my back on track to being merely skin and bones by late July.
Happy New Year to me!!
After years of talking about going away for a snowy New Years vacation we had finally planned something to get excited about this year. With one of my best friends turning 30 on New Years it seems only appropriate. After about 100 emails and countless hours of internet searching for a cabin rental (which over New Years is not easy OR cheap to find) we found the perfect lake side cabin. Going through Christmas knowing we still had 3 nights of worry free fun ahead of us over New Years made the holiday that much more sweet. Finally the morning of Dec 30th had arrived, we could depart on our final holiday of 2010. Chris (birthday boy, friend & driver) showed up to pick us up as planned at 7am. That is when the bomb was dropped. "I have the flu" were the first words out of Chris's mouth. Something I may have left out about myself is that I'm borderline obsessive compulsive about germs. My worst nightmare had come true. A 3.5 hour closed window drive up to our snowy heaven in a contaminated truck with a poisonous human who had spent the night puking and pissing out of his ass. I took every possible precaution on the way up but it only delayed the inevitable.
It all started around about 11pm when my ice cold Granville Island Winter Ale started to taste funny. Thats when I knew something might be up because normally that flavour of beer is beyond delicious. I decided with little reluctance that I should hit the hay early that night so I wouldn't get run down and in turn become vile and polluted with this horrific flu myself. I fell asleep rather quickly only to be jerked awake an hour later by the cold sweat draining from my pores. I could still hear everyone downstairs having a gay old time. I went to the washroom (which luckily was located adjacent to our room) as more of a test than anything. There and then my worst fears were confirmed, I had most definitely been infected. That bathroom with the shitty slanted low ceiling and the hideous vinyl floor is where I spent a better part of the next 10 hours. Luckily for me about 2 hours in to my sentence my drunk friends made there way upstairs. A little after that with help from my stank-ass booze breath boyfriend I received the best gift of the whole Christmas season, a bucket. It's amazing how much you appreciate something so small when your body is ejecting fluids from all of your orifices at once.
"You'll be fine, it's probably only food poisoning" said my lovely boyfriend Carey had said. I may be a bit of a germaphobe but come on Carey, I can't mentally give myself the flu. This was especially annoying coming from a person who has NEVER in his life had the flu. Never, which I find that borderline offensive. Anyways that paints the basic picture of my 3 days at the cabin. Carey came up at about 11:58 on New Years Eve and popped open a bottle of champagne to ring in the new year (I didn't get my New Years kiss for about 5 more days due to my toxic state). Though I did everything in my power to avoid the smell of that freshly opened champagne it's the thought that counts. 1 point for Carey.
I know your waiting for it... the reaaallly thin silver lining. I didn't once succumb to 'the fear' (meaning I didn't shit my pants). Just kidding, that hardly seems like a silver lining. I don't think I've mentioned this minor detail yet but I'm getting married in July! This I'm sure will be the topic of many rants and raves to come. Anyways, since the day Carey proposed I've been on a pretty serious diet and exercise schedule. Obviously I have no plans of being a whale on my surely glorious wedding day. There had been some cheating in the month of December and I was getting off track (and dis-pleased with my daily weigh in's). So after 3 days of puke and dia(rrhea) I arrive back home with a flat stomach, sunken cheekbones and a whopping 8 lbs lighter. My self loathing quickly turned into narcissistic pride. And so with great joy began 2011 with a nice jump start, which was enough to get my back on track to being merely skin and bones by late July.
Happy New Year to me!!
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