Overdue and OVER IT.

Well like almost every other person that's had a baby I too have gone over my due date!  I was prepared for this and I'm really not surprised but what I am surprised by is how impatient I've become.  I really thought I would be just mentally prepared for going about a week to 10 days over before going into labour.  Turns out I'm just not quite that easy going.   After 40 weeks of this I just don't have a lot more to give.  I know the baby is fully formed and only getting fatter by the day so at this point it just seems like a cruel joke for it to hang out in there much longer. PLUS I want to find out what it is!  I'm dying to know the sex and just to lay my eyes on it for the first time.

It's crazy at this point how things change day to day.  I guess it could be because my skin is literally splitting at the seams and my body is at it's personal breaking point.  I know I'm not THAT large but I think for me this is the biggest I can go.  Rolling over has become a chore and getting anymore that 1 consecutive hour of sleep hasn't happened for me in awhile.  Which I guess it just my body training for the massive lack of sleep that is my future.  I am really looking very forward to not getting up 5+ times a night to go pee.  Oh well it's not like I have to get up for work in the morning (which is SO awesome)!

I was reading on another blog recently about what it feels like to be overdue and what she was saying made perfect sense to me.  She said it's like your due date is Christmas but then on the morning of your told Christmas has been postponed indefinitely.  Not only are you not getting Christmas that day but you have NO clue when Christmas will actually arrive over the next 2 weeks.  So you wake up every morning thinking maybe TODAY is Christmas... but then it's not.  Everyone is also asking you WHEN Christmas will be like you're Santa or something.  That is really what it feels like and prepared or not it is not fun.

On the plus side I know within one week I will be holding my baby and this will all be worth it.  I've had it pretty good over the past 10 months and I really shouldn't be whining.  Well I think I will go re-clean my already spotless house and hope that today is the day... or tomorrow would be good too.  I hope you all are enjoying your mobility and restful nights of sleep! 

STILL gaining weight for a good cause..

Wow I can't believe it's been 2 months since I last posted anything.  You would think with all this spare sober time I would have be posting every second day!  Things are going really good with me, getting larger by the day it seems.  Only 7 weeks to go until my due date, thank the sweet lord.  I'm not one to whine and complain about all the horrors of pregnancy because overall it's really not that bad.  I will say that once you hit the 30 week point everything gets just a little less great.  If you think about it that's only 1/4 of the pregnancy that's not so fun.. well and the first 10 weeks too but who's counting?!

Kristy and I have been really busy with our little cake business this summer.  We're fully booked until the end of August which is great because it's really making time fly by.   Here's the link to our facebook page, feel free to 'like' us and drool over all of our desserts - https://www.facebook.com/candyapplebakeshop

I honestly don't know what to rant about.. this is so strange....and boring.  I can say that I only have 5 weeks of work left and THAT is exciting.  As if I have a year of leisure ahead of me, it's going to be grand.  That's obviously that reason I have nothing to complain about right now. Plus the weather has been glorious and even though I'm sweating my ass off with these extra 20 lbs I'm hauling around it's totally worth it.  How is it that the sun just puts EVERYONE is such a good mood?!  Well I better put these last 5 weeks at work to use.  Next post I'll be sure to have some thing interesting to say.. or better yet a GORY birth story!  Something that will haunt your dreams and even make the youtube birth videos seem like a joke... because if it's not that bad I'll just lie to you anyways.  Enjoy the sun and that fact that your not as big as me!

Gaining weight for a good cause..

Finally a post that isn't about our glorious Euro-Trip so you can stop being jealous. I guess some updates are in order because lots has been going on for Carey and I.  We're having a baby!  I'm due Sept 2, so currently I'm 6 months pregnant.   After Europe we had nothing to look forward to so it seemed like the right time, lol.  Anyways we are really excited and I can't WAIT to meet the little one.  It's going by strangely fast now, but then I think about this child being in my belly for another 4 months and I get a little worried.  I just hope it keeps flying by like it has so far.

Who would have thought I would have ever been off the sauce this long?! What I would do for an ice cold beer... Many people told me in the past that not drinking while your pregnant is no big deal and that you don't even want a drink.  Those people lied.  Obviously it's not THAT hard because nothing is worth damaging my unborn baby but by no means is it easy.  We're just hitting the peak drinking season, summer.  On on hand I'm thinking that's good news because summer always flies by.  On the other hand I'm thinking that it usually flies by because I'm drunk all the time.   I guess I'll soon find out.

We are also attempting to sell our house.  Not really because we need a bigger place for the baby more so because that was just our game plan all along.  We don't want to move while I'm a whale (even though that's pretty much already happened) so we're hoping it sells before July.  If not we'll just take it off the market and live there for another year.  Now that everything is done on our house is seems like a waste to just leave.  I can't decide what I even want to happen, I guess we'll just wait and see.

I've just recently started buying baby stuff.  Everyone says having a baby is expensive but I really think it is what you make it. There is literally everything you could need on craigslist.  I just got a crib with mattress and sheets (from some clean looking people) for $125.  I had NO idea there were people out there spending $500+ on a crib.  Maybe this makes me a selfish Mom but there is NO way this baby is getting anything worth that much.  Me giving it nourishment and room to grow in my womb should be more than enough.  Pretty much my new past time is bargain hunting for baby items.  It's a great way to pass long days at work.

There's a few things about being pregnant that are worth a minute of ranting. Well there's many things I can rant about but we'll start with the strange fascination with pregnant woman.  We are a guilty of it.  Finding out someone is knocked up and making a religious point of checking their facebook for updates or better yet, pictures.  Random strangers in the street with give you a smile and nod of approval like you alone are re-populating earth.  Sometimes they don't stop with the smile and nod they actually ask details about the pregnancy.  The most over used questions is whether or not we're finding out the gender.  It's hilarious because when I say that we're not finding out people usually respond with a pat on the back like I'm doing humanity this huge favour.  I accept the pat on the back of course but what difference does it make to them?

I obviously have to dedicate at least one paragraph to the fact that I'm in the middle of gaining between 25-35 lbs.  Grab a couple dumbbells and see what that feels like.  It's a lot. The worst part is I'm terrified of gaining more.  After I got back from Europe I would say I was about 10 lbs from my optimal weight, then soon after I blew out my knee in soccer which put me out of sports and the gym for about 10 weeks.  So needless to say when I got pregnant I was NOT at my ideal weight.  I've been hitting the gym twice a week ever since I found out I was prego just to avoid an 80 lbs weight gain, but it has not been easy.  I need knee surgery to repair my meniscus which I can't have until after the baby is born so with the extra poundage, bum knee and large belly getting in the way it hasn't been a cake walk.  I'm going to continue going as long as I physically can because I hate being fat more than anything.  One thing I just cant get used to is hoping on the scale and just watching the numbers so up.  Baby or not it just feel wrong!

Well lets just hope this baby is worth it. If it comes out looking anything like baby Carey I think it will be!

Euro Trip - Oktoberfest

I started this post well over a month ago and just never finished it.. I'm sick of talking about Europe so this one will be short and sweet and I'll post something more exciting ASAP!

This will be my last post about our glorious trip to Europe.  I just wanted to get it all on here so I could look back and remember it all.  Seriously though, we've been back for 6 months and I think it's time to move on lol. I figure I'll leave out the last week that Carey and I spent in Spain because lounging the sun by the pool while reading the Hunger Games Trilogy because that doesn't make for the best story.  Also sad to say I won't go into detail about our time in Northern Germany and Amsterdam but I will say it was just as grand as everything was before and I won't forget it.  What I will tell you about was our two days in Munich at Okoberfest..

We got to our campsite just outside of Munich at about 4pm. We had a few plans for the evening.  Firstly to get into the downtown area so we could get the lay of the land.  Also we had decided it was completely necessary to track down lederhosen and dirndl so we would fit in with all the real Germans (sorry Carey, you hardly qualify).  We set up camp.. by that I mean we parked our rig, and headed out to grab the bus.  The bus took us to the train and from there we just followed the crowd.  We arrived by the time it was just getting dark.  We cruised around and took in the sights and a couple brats (obviously!).  We ended up getting seats in an outdoor beer garden which worked out just wonderfully for us.  Drank enough glasses (litres) of beer to be feeling pretty great and enjoyed some salty pretzels.  We still made it back to our campsite in one piece at a fairly reasonable hour, we had a big day ahead of us.

Our big day at Oktoberfest started pretty early.   We were up and ready by around 9am. We were dressed to impress and looking forward to a glorious day.  On top of it all it was Brett's birthday so we had plans to make this one count.  Today we all blended in pretty well in our new outfits, except people were not impressed by our footwear.  Apparently regardless of the heat your supposed to wear big ass boots and wool socks with your lederhosen.  I don't think we had any regrets with our sandals once we got into the hot and sweaty tents.

We looked around until we found a tent that had tables.  Well they all had available tables at that point, it was 10am.  Most of them are reserved at 3pm and you get the boot when the reservations (which are sold out months in advance) show up. We ended up in the Ochsenbraterei Tent which turned out to be a great choice.  We were allowed to stay as long as we pleased, so we sat down knowing this would be our spot for the day.  We knew we had a looong day of drinking ahead of us so we did the logical thing and ordered some breaky with our first steins of beer.  I knew the food would be good but it was actually better than I imagined.  You know when you eat something SO delish that you actually want to puke after just so you could potentially eat it all over again? That's how we felt all day long.

As the day carried on things just kept getting better and better.  Our beer maid was around enough to keep our beers filled, the only issue is drinking them fast enough so they don't get warm.  We were fighting the heat in there and those beers take awhile to consume.  We made some German friends and did about 1000 prosts.  A little later after several litres Carey went a little hard on his glass hitting and smashed his stein.  Honestly I have no idea how because those things are like an inch thick.

Carey's uncle (well sort of, more of a great cousin lol) Hans joined us for a few hours of drinking. I don't know if it's a German thing of if it's just Carey's distant relatives but everyone we met up with over there was SO nice.  Hans bought us a round of beer and some more food for our bellies.  He we probably just concerned about how drunk we already were by 2pm, but it's the thought that counts.  Hans left before we really started getting embarrassing, from what I recall at least?

Like any normal North Americans we made the drinking portion into a bit of a competition and kept track of how many litres we were putting back.  Which is not easy when you've been drinking litres of beer all day long but the final tally was 8 litres for Brett and Carey and 6 litres for Kristy and I.  That's about 3 beer cans per litre, you do the math.  This was accompanied by many trips to the washroom and at least 1 litre of water from what I remember.  The water was actually just as much money as the beer so it hardly seemed worth it.

Around 7pm people start getting pretty rowdy, for obvious reasons.  Everyone stood up on the benches and the music got a little louder.  This is what I imagined for Okoberfest!  Of course we've been drinking since well before noon while sitting on our asses.  Getting up and standing for long periods of time made us realize we had in fact drank close to 20 beer each. By about 9pm Kristy and I were starting to fade.  Well I don't know is fade is the right word or not, we could barely stand or keep our eyes open.  We staggered out for some energy, a couple foot long hot dogs and potato pancakes.  Here's Kristy in fine form enjoy her dog:

& here's a group shot of the dream team early in the day:

Kristy and I made a few wrong turns on the way back, the train system wasn't as easy as it was on day one.  We made it back without any real problems though.  Carey and Brett weren't quite as lucky.  They were only about an hour behind us (but probably didn't think to have some brain food before heading to the train... foot long dog always makes the difference).  From what we've heard Carey was sitting on the train barking orders at Brett to get them home, I can't remember why but for some reason this was solely Brett's job.  Brett of course can't see a THING because he's blind as a bat and has downed a flat of beer to himself.  Carey refuses to help him read the train schedule which is on the train ceiling above the door.  At some point Brett decides he should jump off at the next stop and get a quick look at the bigger map outside the train.  Carey continues to sit there and yell at Brett.  Brett is not as fast and limber as he thought and he doesn't get back on the train in time.  Now he is stuck in the middle of nowhere (they were going the wrong way already) alone and blind.  Carey finally gets up and looks at the map notices he is going the wrong way, gets off the train and hops on the next one back.  He make it back to the campsite without issue.  Brett on the other hand ends up at a stop that isn't very popular and has to wait 30 mins for the next train.  I honestly don't think we'll ever know what happens after that.  We always put one of the campsite cards in Brett's wallet for times likes these and after a few hours he also made it back.  At that point we were all fast asleep caring very little about his well being.

Overall this was the BEST trip of my life.  It still seems surreal that it's came and went.  I hope to get back to Europe at some point when I'm older and rich but unless those lotto numbers pull through it will be awhile.  To anyone that's thinking about doing a trip like this stop being a wussy and GO.  It's worth the thousands of dollars of debt... and I love money so take that seriously.  I'm lucky to have such a good posse to travel with.  Even though I know I've threatened each of their lives at some point along the way I wouldn't have done it with anyone else.

EURO TRIP - Switzerland & Germany

Switzerland is the land 'o plenty; Plenty of beauty, chocolate and money.  This place seriously makes you feel like you're in the sound of music.  It was very much a highlight on our trip.  However after enjoying Germany so cheaply it was truly shocking how much everything costs just a hours drive south.  We decided to go for it obviously, our visas will just have to be dealt with back in boring North America.  You really can't put a price of the Switzerland experience!

We stayed in a town called Interlaken.  Any idiots who (like myself) can sit through the Bachelor might recognize this lovely place. The drive in was seriously unbelievable.  It's hard to really believe something like that exists until you see it with you own eyes.  Poor Brett was sleeping off sassafras in the back and missed out on it.  Oh well, there's always next time lol.  We got to a nice campsite on the river that connected the two lakes.  Interlaken actually means "between two lakes".  The river was the brightest color, a mix of green and blue.  Actually it reminded me of blue koolaid (which reminds me I could use a glass of that in my near future).  The colors there are like nothing I've seen anywhere.  We walked around that afternoon exploring the town.  We ended up buying tickets for the tram up to one of the mountain towns for later that evening.

We left that night around 6 for Wegen which was about 4000 feet up.  The views from our tram were amazing and if you ever make it to Interlaken you must head up the mountain to one of the many towns.  It was about an hour trip up.  We walked around the town trying to find the most reasonably priced place for dinner.  Nothing was even close to reasonable so we settled on insanely expensive.  We had the most delicious dinner with a couple bottles of wine.  We learned that roquette is in fact a type of cheese, not a fondue.  Either way it was heavenly.  After eating ourselves sick we had about 30 minutes before the last tram down so we went for a cruise.  Lucky we had also had the smarts to bring a couple bottles of wine in our backpack as well.   We stumbled upon a group of 4 guys with Swiss horns.. of course we did, this place is just like in the movies.  They played them in the street while a group gathered around.  They weren't even busking for money, just playing for our entertainment.   Then again with the prices there what are they going to be able to buy with chump change anyway?

We would have loved to stay for a whole week but time was a ticking and there were still many places on the agenda.  After 2 days in lovely Switzerland we were heading back to Germany.  One the way out we decided to start fresh and have Brett empty the tank before we got back to the mother land.  This time was not as enjoyable as the first dump. This was probably for a mixture of two reasons.   The blue puck made it in this time making the smell much less violent and I think all the cheese we ingested over the past two days had most of us pretty backed up.  I still wouldn't say Brett got off lucky or anything, it was still insanely revolting.

We drove to the border and took a ferry across the lake back to Germany and landed in Meersberg for the afternoon.  It was a very German town that even had a medieval castle.   Of course Carey and Brett had us take the 3 hour tour which fell just short of exhilarating.  Our afternoon in Meersberg was quite nice regardless.  It looked just like I had always imaged Germany to look.  We continued on the coast of Lake Constance for awhile and got a good look at the Bavarian landscape. I think when people imagine Germany they are really just envisioning Bavaria.  I have to say it was my favorite German state. One minute it felt like we were on a wine tour in the interior of BC and shortly after we were in a lush green forest. Actually a lot of German country side reminded me of home.

We rolled into a nice campsite for the night near Fussen.  Even though the campsite was pretty full there was next to no one around.  I think people just lived in their trailers there? So pretty much we felt right at home.  We poured ourselves some bevs and relaxed for awhile.  It was cooler there than it had been for us so far so we took the opportunity to enjoy our motor coach.

We set off to find an authentic German restaurant.  This wasn't hard considering the town we were staying in only had about 300 residents, everything was pretty authentic.  Our waitress (dressed in dirndl) spoke about as much English as we did German.  We just went for the point and pick on the menu and managed to order a couple steins of beer.  When the food arrived (which we had initially agreed to share to be safe), Carey and Brett both ended up with legit meals while I got a plate of sliced head cheese and Kristy got an ice cold bowl of gelatin soup.  We embraced our decisions and ate what we could of our meals.  We tried to order more edible food but the waitress wasn't picking up what we were putting down so we called it a day.  The owner of the restaurant found out there were some Canadians dining upstairs and came up to greet us.  He reminded me of Santa, a jolly old guy with a big white beard who you just can't help but like (even if he's sweater profusely from his walk up the stairs).  Anyways he was outraged when he found out we could read the menu and he wasn't too pleased at our waitress and informed us it was her last night.  He said he was going to send us a special dessert.  A few minutes later a plate arrived with these donut looking things that were covered in cinnamon sugar and topped with a couple scoops of vanilla ice cream. We were all drooling.  Then 3 more plates show up.  Turns out in Germany you don't have to share your dessert.  I love Germany.

We waddled back to our motor home to play our next rounds of fortune and chance... I want this to end on a good note so lets pause there.  More soon!

EURO TRIP - Germany Part 1

We traveled north to Frankfurt where we met my sister Kristy and her new fiaaaaanceee Brett.  They just got engaged a few days before near Paris so some celebrating was in order.  We met up with them at the train station and hopped on another train which took us to our motorhome rental.  Once we got to the rental depot we were greeted by Klaus ( a condescending asshole) who told us we were required to watch a 30 minute video before we could take the motorhome.  This video left us with a few questions.. most importantly, HOW do you empty the shit tank?

Here in Canada we empty our shit tanks in the most human way possible.  This usually involves a hose and a lever so you're never having to see whats been building up in your tank over your lovely holiday.  Also they are quite large and can hold a substantial amount of human waste.   In most ways Europeans are a step ahead of us.  They don't have homeless people begging on every street corner, they're all bilingual, they have free university and they have the best public transit systems around.  So WHY are these clearly smarter, more educated people creating motorhomes with thimble sized shit tanks that have to be manually dumped!?

After a short argument with Klaus, that German prick, we hit the open road.  First things first, we knew we had to sort out some kind of schedule for who would be dumping that mini shit tank.  It was clear it was going have to be done several times over the next week.  There was no time for games of fortune and chance so to start it off we decided first one to use the bathroom had to empty it.  This was actually Kristy's idea and quite genius.  She informed me that Brett has a woman sized bladder and would most definitely crack first.  Just to be safe I cautiously sipped my Heineken until Brett like a 5 year old girl, just couldn't hold it any longer.  I guess the overall excitement had clouded Brett's judgement because Kristy and I can both drink a 6 pack of beer before going pee once.  Plus our competitive spirit probably would have had us puking up our pee before losing at a game like that.  Anyways, we'll revisit this topic later when Brett had to revisit our excrement somewhere between Stuttgart and Freiburg.

First stop, Stuttgart.  It was our first night in Germany and we wanted to land somewhere fun for the evening.  Of course the traffic through Frankfurt was bad and the drive to Stuttgart was longer than we had hoped.  Our GPS, Rosa, took us directly to the city center.  We learned a valuable lesson that night, you can take an eight foot high motor home just anywhere.  We planned to find a parking lot and then hit the town of course all the parking in the middle of a city is underground and there are height limits for that.  After a few arguments we found ourselves in the train station parking lot.  This was our first night of urban camping.  Before long we were enjoying some schnitzel and drinks.  On our way back we tried to find a liquor store or a bar which of course was impossible.  Luckily we had all hit the duty free pretty hard on our travels into Europe so the motor home was fully stocked.  After some night caps the lulling sound of the train station put us all to sleep.  It turned out the urban camping had it's bonuses, coffee and pastries just steps away inside the train station!  After a wholesome breakfast we were back on the road and this time we planned to make it to a real campsite.

We drove to Freisburg on day two but not before Brett became better acquainted with the dumping of the shit tank.  I've actually attached a few pictures so you can get a real idea of the kind of joy we felt watching Brett dump out our shit while blowing chunks.  This was also when we realized we forgot to put the little blue puck the kills the smell in the tank before hand... oops!

Great times... Once Brett recovered made the short drive into Freiburg.  This was such a cool town and Rosa led us to a great campsite.  We settled in to our campsite and started to enjoy some beverages.  This is when the first game of fortune and chance took place.  Loser dumps the next full tank.  Brett of course thought he was exempt from even playing but after a quick vote it was decided he was fully eligible.  You can probably guess what happened next.. Brett's demise. When you go into a game with that much fear you don't stand a chance.  The rest of us were on top of the world after our win and took celebratory dumps in the bathroom while Brett cried outside. Kidding, sort of.

We went out that night for some drinks and long story short the loss got the best of old Brett.  I wont go into details but he was a complete moron that night.  I'm still surprised we made it out of that town with Brett at all.  It seems like he has some kind of homing device.  Somehow he always made it back to the motor home, no matter how hard we try to lose him.  After a morning of shame and sassafras (Brett's bitchy alter ego) we were on our way to another extremely cheap and delicious bakery for snacks then back on the road.   Next stop was Interlaken, Switzerland...

EURO TRIP - France & Austria

After a week in Italy Carey and I were heading to the South of France. The drive alone made the 4 hour detour worth it.  No wonder there's a toll every hour, how else are they ever going to pay for the 10,000 tunnels that make up the hwy from Italy to France?  Of course when we first started going through the tunnels I did what any mature adult would do, hold my breath.  Carey got a kick out of this because some of the tunnels ended up being ridiculously long and watching me starve for oxygen really seemed to make his day.  After about 40 minutes of huge tunnels with very small gaps in between and no end in sight I started to feel pretty light headed and had to call it a day on the breath holding.  I've got to hold on to the precious brain cells I've got left.

When I was imagining the South of France I had pictured us lounging on the beach, working on our tans with a bunch of topless ladies with hairy pits.  Surprisingly enough that's not at all how our 3 days there went.  We were staying in a small town just outside of Cannes called La Napoule and a seriously awesome hotel called Corniche d'Or for about 50 euro a night.  This got us a room with a balcony (about 3' by 6') which had a view of the town courtyard just a few steps away from the most amazing grocery store and bakery known to man.  We did spend one day at the beach, which was absolutely beautiful.  The bulk of our time was spent people watching from the balcony and of course me kicking Carey's ass at every dice/card game possible while eating countless baguettes. 

One day after stocking up at the market across the street with a few liters of wine (which is very cheap but substantially less drinkable than cheap Italian wine) a problem arose.  Long story short I had somehow dropped both of our pens down into the much larger unused patio below. I was feeling pretty good at this point, a little tipsy and still kicking ASS at dice.  I had to get those pens back asap.  We had noticed earlier that other guests from the hotel hung up their room keys as they left on a hook at the front.  Being suspicious distrusting Canadians we never did this.  How perfect for this situation though! I would just cruise down and grab the room key for the room below us.

 When I got to the lobby area there was only one man there t checking out the brochures, so I felt pretty safe snatching the key and running back up the stairs.  Thinking back this probably looked extremely conspicuous.  I climbed three flights of stairs to the door of room 7 and knocked on it a few times waiting about 2 seconds before letting myself in calling out "house keeeeepinnnggg" just to be safe lol.  Once I was in I saw that someone was in fact staying in the room but luckily was not home.  I then clued into the fact that I was really breaking into some guys room and started to PANIC.  What if he caught me in here? What would I say? I don't even speak french.  Great now I'm going to be raped, beat up and thrown in jail all over a couple fricken pens. I ran over to the patio doors, yes there are 2 fully separate locked french doors between me and the patio.  There's no real way of getting through them fast or quietly because they are both probably 50 years old.  When I finally got onto the patio I grabbed the pens and looked up only to see Carey pointing at me and laughing like a hyena.  Maybe next to him I could be inconspicuous? In this moment next to him I look like a god damn ninja.

I closed and locked the 2 french doors and front and lightning speed desperate to get out of this situation unscathed.  I felt instant relief once I was back out into the hallway.  Now all I had to do was return the key to the hook.  I ran down the two flights of stairs into the lobby to see the man who was looking at brochures earlier sitting behind the desk on the computer.  Turns out he was the owner, great.  As I was making my way to the key hooks when I noticed a man coming in the front door.  This distracted the owner at the just right time and I replaced the key to the room 7 hook, turned and ran up the first flight of stairs.  I couldn't help myself and I turned back from the top of the first flight to see which key the man was going for.   Of course he's reaching for the only key that's swinging back and forth, room 7.  He turned and looked at me while trying to process the situation.  I did what anyone would have done, sprint back into my room, shut the door and double locked it.

When I got back onto the patio I started to tell Carey the turn of events which almost lead to my capture.  Had I been 30 seconds later I would have been caught red handed with a key that was not mine or worse, in his room! It's then that I hear the patio doors below us open.  The man comes out onto the patio and looks directly up at us.  I smile and wave, giving my most Canadian "Bonjour!"  I was obviously shitting my pants on the inside.  He had clearly realized I broke into his room but could see that nothing was missing so didn't have grounds to say anything about it. Yep, I totally got away with it.  

We celebrated that evening by heading out to an Irish bar.  Quite random but I guess you can find an Irish bar pretty much anywhere.  Met a strange dutch man and proceeded to booze heavily with him for the rest of the evening.  Overall it's a bit blurry but I do remember one shot he bought for us which changed my world, tequila, sambuca and espresso.   Seriously the most revolting thing to hit my lips since the raw hamburger I accidentally ordered the night before.  

Waking up the next morning it was all I could think about.  Why is it that when your extremely hung-over your mind keeps taking you to the WORST drink you had of the whole night before?  It's like having a bad song stuck in your head, but much worse.  I don't usually suffer from hangovers that aren't cured by a double cheeseburger, this morning was an exception.  Of course this is the day we have to make the 4 hour trip back to Italy and drop our rental car off in Milan.  Actually I think the only time I get THIS hangover is when I have some impossibly long painful thing I must do the next day.  Carey of course was totally fine and not feeling nearly as sorry for me as I am feeling for myself.  After a couple pukes which resembled slug slime and black liquorice we were ready to go.  I forced down a croissant and settled in for ride.  It was sad to leave France.  I was leading the winner’s board by a cool 10 games. Who knows if I'll ever find another place where I'm actually luckier than Carey? Goodbye France.

We had booked a hotel in Milan for 1 night and were heading out on a 6am train to Innsbruck, Austria. We made it to drop off our car with literally 3 minutes to spare before they closed.  Somehow close calls seemed to be a reoccurring theme on this trip of leisure.  Anyways, Milan was sort of like an Italian Vancouver but less beautiful.  Seriously, it’s not that special and hardly worth staying in for more than a few hours.  Our hotel was extra ghetto but at least it was walking distance to the train station out of there.  

In the morning we hopped on the train, my first ever train ride actually.  Europeans got this right; trains are the way to travel.  After a scenic trip 6 hour ride we had arrived in Innsbruck.  This place is a MUST SEE.  The buildings are all pastel colors that reminded me of easter eggs.  The town is in a valley between a few massive snowy mountains.  Sadly we only had 1 day there.  We made the best of it and cruised around town for the afternoon and ending up in some sort of farmers market for a few steins of beer.  One of the BEST things about Europe as a whole is that you can get a beer ANYWHERE you want.  No one is judging you for cracking a beer at any point of the day.  As we sat in this market and got a little drunk I remember thinking, does life get ANY better than this?!   Well, turns out it does. We picked up our motor home rental the next day......

Euro-Trip - ITALY

Yes I'm still alive.  After 4 unbelievably glorious weeks in Europe I'm back.  Do I feel horribly depressed and shocked at how awful reality is? Absolutely.

There really is something to be said about having something, ANYTHING to look forward to.  In most cases the buildup is half of the excitement. Just waiting and planning, counting the days.  That was just not the reality of our Europe vacation.  I think it's the kind of place that deep down inside you don't fully believe exists until your standing there seeing it with your own eyes.  Somehow it was better than I imagined.  It's hard to give a highlight reel because everywhere we went was in some way the coolest place I had ever been.  I hate to think my life has peaked at the age of 24 but it's hard to believe I'll ever do anything that awesome again.  Just being realistic (and if you saw the debt we put ourselves into after 1 short month you would likely agree).  I've decided to write this in chronological order and split it between a few posts, hope you enjoy the highlights and lowlights and the useless information in between.

ITALY - The country of smells.

After 3 flights and 17 hours and not a wink of sleep we arrived in Naples.  We grabbed our rental car (that was approximately twice the size of my big toe) loaded up and headed south for Sorrento.  Our initial thought once we got on the highway was that we were in fact in a much muggier version of Mexico. Thank god we got our GPS working and got the hell outta there.  The scenery picked up immensely once we got further down the coast line and Sorrento was a perfect first stop on our 10 day adventure in Italy. The next 2 days were spent cruising the Almafi Coast, all the while risking our lives every time we got back behind the wheel. Italy by far has the largest population of horrible drivers per capita.  After several delicious bruschetta’s and a couple 2 euro bottles of wine we were on way up to Rome.

It was days like this we were really praising Rosa (our GPS).  She got us through some tough times and I really think without her we would have been filing for divorce right now.  Once we checked in and carried our bags up 10 flights of stairs (which was pretty standard fair for everyday in Italy) we were on a sweaty bus into the city center.  I decided the people who gave me average reviews of Rome are likely retarded and I made a mental note to not believe a word out of their mouths from that day on.  Rome is a MUST SEE, even if you’re seeing it through a thick layer of sweat in 35 degree weather.  We hit lots of the main tourist attractions but honestly just cruising the streets was the highlight in my opinion.  Well that and the unbelievable dinner we had that evening followed up with about 4 liters of wine.

For a non-god loving sinner like me it was hard to believe how glorious the Vatican would really be until I saw it with my own eyes.  I really didn't think it would be something I was that interested in, more of a check on the list of Europe to do's. Being only 4 or 5 days into our trip we were still suffering the effects of jet leg (that and passing out at 9pm after 4 liters of wine) and were up at the crack of dawn.  After a quick cappuccino and croissant we were headed into St. Peters Square before 8am.  Would have had the same effect on me had it been noon, 35 degrees and filled with people? I honestly doubt it.  The sun was just coming up, there was next to no one in the square when we arrived and it was honestly breathtaking.  That is not a word I use lightly but seriously, breathtaking. We cruised through the empty line up ropes (which always makes me feel like I'm getting some sort of ripping deal, even if entry is free) and through the first security check.  By this point we're practically running were so excited to get the inside of the basilica (or as I would say, church) which by now is glowing and making me think it might be time to turn over a new leaf and let the sweet lord into my life.  Only one more check point to get through when all of a sudden I hear an Italian man screaming something.  I' had decided days ago that Italians are extremely bad loud talkers and this guy is no exception. That's when I feel a tap on my bare shoulder.   Before I know it I'm being turned around and told to kick rocks as my thoughts of godly worship dissolve.  

Well, turns out they don't let floozy, dress wearing hooligans into the Vatican.  I admit my t-shirt length flesh colored spaghetti strapped dress may not have been pope appropriate but that wasn't what I was thinking when I got dressed that morning.  I was clearly thinking about how many liters of sweat I would be producing after another 30+ degree day in Italy.  You can't tell me god would want to me sweat any more than I have to?!  At this point I was starting to feeling like the lord was truly laying hit wrath upon me.  This is probably thanks to me bad mouthing him in a previous blog.

At this point I was feeling pretty awful because now I was holding Carey back from seeing all the glory inside the glowing building.  Also I was just plain annoyed with the situation and feeling like a prostitute. With few options we started walking aimlessly back into the square when I had an idea.  I remembered seeing a gift stand at the far side of the square and I figured they would have a t-shirt.  Instantly I began dreaming about slipping into an oversized t-shirt with the popes face on it or better yet, a picture of Jesus being crucified. Unfortunately (and surprisingly) they didn't have either, but they had whore scarfs. This is clearly a niche market in St. Peter's Square.  4 euro and my problems were solved.

By the time we get back to the last check point I feel like pull a Deena style jersey turnpike on the fool that turned me away 20 minutes before but I figured I shouldn't push my luck.  We finally get in; I was totally feeling like I had pulled a fast one on Catholics everywhere.  Now I don't want to drag my whorness through the mud much longer but I can't leave this part out.  After seeing the basilica I pull out my handy Europe guidebook and find that we can take an elevator to the top of the cupola (the highest point in the Vatican City).  Who wouldn't want to do that? After some confusion we find the entrance to where the tickets are sold for the elevator.  I strut directly past the guy manning the door with my silk scarf tied tightly around my shoulders.  Again with the yelling Italian.. what I make out from his actions are that my dress is in fact too short.  REALLY!? Little does he know I've out smarted one skinny, hairy, annoying Italian today and have no plans to let him ruin my fun.  We are escorted back outside and I began scheming up a new plan.  

Only one thing we can do now, make a run for it.  Just kidding, that would never work.  I adjusted my scarf and took off the straps of my dress so I can pull it down to knee length.  I still don't understand how wearing a scarf for a shirt is more respectable than my dress but they're a lot of things about churches I don't think I'll ever comprehend.  I knew we only had one more shot to get by this guy before he had us booted out for good.  I waiting for the next group of people going in and I pushed my way in the middle of the crowd (if you can call 3 people a crowd?).  Of course Carey of course was able to walk right in, still feeling like a rebel no less.  We made it up to the cupola which turned out to be a short elevator ride and 312 winding stairs.  Yes, 312 stairs. THANK GOD I wasn't wearing more clothes!  All in all a very successful trip to the beautiful Vatican City, all done before 9:30am.

Soon we were back on the road and heading north to Florence. This will very likely make you think less of me but I was pretty stoked to be in the very same city where Jersey Shore season 4 was filmed just months before!! lol, but seriously, I was excited.  Florence did not disappoint.  We didn't have any specific attractions we wanted to see which made it pretty a leisure 2 days.  Spent hours wandering through the streets, ate a couple pizzas, and drank a few dozen Heineken. Florence was good to us and like every place before very easy on the eyes.

I think calling Italy the country of smells is a little unfair.  Really it’s Europe as a whole that is the continent of smells.  Florence was no exception; actually I think this is where we really came to a head with the smell factor.  The sewers run under the streets and with the buildings all being a few stories high and so close together there really isn’t a lot of fresh air being brought into circulation.   One minute you’re sucking in a huge whiff of delightful Italian food and the next you smell Italian food that has been digested, shit out and is stewing in the ground just a few feet below.   I think it kind of keeps things even though, no country that is that gorgeous should smell like roses.

Overall Italy was good to us.  Great food, so much history and even better looking than I could have imagined.   The only thing that really holding it back is…. The Italians.  HAHA kidding, sort of.  More euro-trip coming soon!

Martini's, Mangina's & Marriage!

Well I must apologize to my 3 or 4 followers for dropping off the map for the past month.  I'm going to get back at it with something easy.  This blog will be unusually positive and inoffensive, for that I apologize.  Don't worry  the bitterness in me will build back up and I'm sure my next entry will be overflowing with my regular cynical attitude.  For now I'm just a bit too on top of the world to drag up negativity.. WHY? On July 23 Carey and I got married.. it's official.  I've locked him down and there is no way he can legally get rid of my sorry ass now without my say so, FEELS GREAT! 

It all started last September when Carey asked me to marry him.  It was so sweet and perfect and I think this is when the wheels started turning.  I wouldn't say I was the kind of kid that always dreamed of what my wedding day would be like.  Honestly I was the kind of kid who always thought I would die tragically before anything that good would happen to me. Of course I don't like to do things half way and once I started scoping out some wedding blogs my tiny idea turned into about 1000 tiny ideas.  All of these ideas came at a cost so instead of forking out the cash I took the do it yourself route.  This turned into a couple hundred hours of my precious time but the outcome was more than what I hoped for.   Here are some of the fruits of my labour:

 

It's funny when people find out you're getting married they all have something to say whether it's a piece of advice, an idea or a wedding horror story.  I can't tell you how many times I had to listen to advice I didn't give a shit about but forced a smile, nodded and acted like I was really soaking it all up.  I heard several times that your own wedding is never as fun as being a guest at a friend's wedding, which I really came to believe.  I thought I would be looking around and subconsciously noting every detail that did not turn out the way I had imagined. I also thought it would be a world of awkward having that many people watching you.  Whether you're eating, adjusting your boobs (or in my case padding), chugging your drink, there are eyes on you. I think I was mentally trying to paint a realistic version of how the day was going to go so I was prepared and not let down.  Well I've got to say NONE of that bothered me on our wedding day.  Honestly I was on cloud 9.  I had way more fun at my wedding then I ever have at any other wedding to date.  It couldn't have gone any better and for me to be unable to pick out any flaws is not only shocking but unprecedented.

I feel like several different factors played in to glorious day.  Most importantly having everyone I love most in the world all together to celebrate.  With that crowd of people a bad time just wasn't in the cards.  We really have the most unreal group of friends and family.   The speeches were the balls, the highlight of the evening.   My sister Kristy and her boyfriend Brett (maid of honor and best man) clearly had taken the past 10 months to put those together because they didn't miss a beat.  We were so honored (and mildly offended) hearing them. To top it off they also had a surprise slide show for after dinner which was heartwarming and mortifying all at the same time.  It was then I realized my awkward stage really was from age 6-20.

Other contribution factors into this day of perfection were the candy apple martinis, delicious food and the photobooth that was set up by one of my bridesmaids Danica.  Michelle, my awesome photographer friend manned it for the evening and we ended up with a lot of hilarious shots. Of course you need the BEST playlist to get everyone on board for a late night.  This consisted of a lot of golden hits and of course the countless country songs (seriously I don't care who you are, I know you secretly enjoy country music after you've had 5 martinis).  Here's a couple songs from the ceremony playlist that I'm still obsessed with:

My advice to anyone planning a wedding is to just do everything your way.  Everyone has their own options and ideas of how a wedding should be but it's really just all about what you want.  It's one of the only times in life where you can just shut down people's ideas down without thinking twice.  Seriously my version of heaven is just having everything done my way.  Everyone asking how YOU want it set up and the most strenuous thing you have to do it point and delegate.  If only everyday was like that lol.

I guess in closing I should say that the set up, stress over decorations, food and booze is all pretty irrelevant in the end.  In the months up to the wedding it's easy to just focus on the party side of things and forget why it is you're planning this big party in the first place.  For us getting married has just built on the relationship we've always had.  Carey is my best friend in the world so marrying him was easy.  The day was perfect because we are just truly happy to be together and commit to spending the rest of our lives with each other. Oh and the cards filled with cold hard cash made that commitment even easier... Europe here we come!

Deadbeat Status

I have a lot of traits I would not brag about.  I'm a total pig and pretty much only clean my house when I have people coming over. I run around like a psycho hiding clutter and filth so no one will know how I normally live.  I won't even touch on the on-going health hazard in my car.  I judge people relentlessly.  Mostly (but not limited to) people I don't know.  I see an XXL person wolfing down a case of donuts, I'm honestly repulsed.  I notice if you haven't brushed your teeth today.  I catch that tiny speech impediment you have, then I probably use it while impersonating you. I'm not proud of these traits.  What I am proud of is that I'm the kind of person that does what I say I'm going to do.  That being said and the fact that I also have a job means that I do not qualify for deadbeat status.  Wondering if you're a true deadbeat?

A DEADBEAT is a person who:

-Evades their basic responsibilities

-Says they will do something, but then they just don't with little or no explanation

-Doesn't have a legitimate job and has likely collected EI at some point

-RSVP's yes to a party but doesn't show

-Doesn't have a license

-Owes you money, but hopes you will forget

-Doesn't reply to texts

If you can personally relate to any of those points, you're probably a deadbeat.  I don't know when the switch was flipped for me but it seems like recently my tolerance for people like this has just ran out.  I see no reason to say you're going to do something, then not do it.  If you're not planning to follow through then be an adult and say that from the start.  Even stating you may not be able to follow through from the beginning is more respectable than blatantly lying to others and probably yourself about your actual intent.

This may seem insignificant to someone who has never planned any sort of party or event but I can't think of anything that has higher deadbeat status than a last minute bail.  Worse than that, a bail out without so much as a lame excuse via text message.  There are obviously situations where you can legitimately pull a no-show without actual offensive being taken or hearts being broken.  If someone is having a raging party, it's likely no one’s going to notice if you decide to skip it.  If you say you’re going to attend at an event where you know it's going to be a small crowd or even if food is being served it is in no way appropriate to just not show up without some form of notice.  To me these principles apply also to a facebook event.  I don't respond yes unless I have planned to attend.  It's not like there isn't a maybe option!  Bottom line, you've got to know that a lot goes into planning most events.  Think twice being a deadbeat douche bag and start thinking about someone other than yourself.

Whether it's an email, text message or voicemail (god forbid!) I feel obligated to reply.  No one expects a reply within the hour but a reply at some point is always appreciated.  If you can't take 2 minutes to reply to someone’s question you're probably a deadbeat.  Or maybe you just don't like the person enough to message them back, which on some level is the only legit excuse. But common, it's not that hard.  Replying to messages will make you that much less of a deadbeat, give it a try.

Now I know this might be a harsh reality for some but if you don't have year round employment, you are a deadbeat.  To me EI (unemployment insurance) is for people who need it to survive.  Most of us pay into it in hopes that we won't ever need to rely on it.  For some able bodied workers that just not the case.  They would prefer to sit on their asses collecting $700 cheques every 2 weeks for before seeking out employment.  I mean I can appreciate that these people have actually had to go online twice a month to claim they are still unemployed and actively looking for work.  They likely have to borrow a friends computer to do this truly grueling task.  What can I say, they work hard for their money.  

What this all comes down to is that true deadbeats are self absorbed, lazy slackers.  To all the deadbeats out there please comprehend that it's important to take time out from worrying about yourself and realize you’re not the only person on the planet.  Next time you say you're going to do something, actually do it.  Understand that other peoples time is in fact as valuable as yours.  Recognize that your world may revolve around you but everyone else's doesn't!

...Now if this blog entry left you feeling a bit sour I suggest you loosen up by purchasing a bottle of Thornhaven's Tortured Grape.  This delicious Okanagan white wine will undoubtedly lift your spirits.  Slightly above the deadbeat price point at about $20 per bottle.  This is guaranteed to make you feel like less of a deadbeat loser, even if it is just for one night!  

Who is he? G. O. D.

There's something about a solid relationship with the good lord above that I just can't help but question.  Seeing as I'm the kind of person that usually doesn't believe anything until I see it with my own eyes, I wouldn't consider myself a god loving follower.  Of course I have to judge those of you who do place so much belief in the big guy and have come to make some basic classifications of reasons behind why over 80% of the world’s population are a part of a religion.  In my experience most religious followers fall into one of these categories.

1) Family followers.  Many are grandfathered into the notion that a book full of fairy tales written thousands of years ago is in fact 100% truth.  This I can understand to a point.  Dumb people usually raise dumb kids.  Being raised knowing no better and likely never given the chance to question why it was you believed in such a bizarre combination of stories.  Stories which probably guilted you into being a better person and to not give up your v-card until marriage (keeping in mind all religions have loop holes, in this case it's usually the a-hole!)

2) Near death experience.  The odd person gets through most of life unscathed by the church life until they have narrow escape with emanate death.  Living through something traumatic often causes the victim to start sending thanks in God's directions.  Being completely helpless gives people the need to believe in a power greater than themselves, in which case they're not responsible for their own actions.  

3) Death. Living through the horrific experience of losing someone you deeply love is something that often forces people to put more thought into the whole god thing.  I think it gives people peace to think of something greater than themselves in control of a situation that must make any person feel completely powerless.  Legit? Absolutely. 

4) A place to belong in a time of desperation.  Many social programs including shelters and food banks are ran through churches.  What better time to scoop up a newbie to your religion than some who's helpless, homeless and fucking hungry.  You enjoyed that goulash? Go ahead and thank old JC, that one's on him.

5) Fear.  Why risk it? Is there such a thing as God laying down his rath? Some people don't want to wait around to find out.  Not wanting to end up shoulder to shoulder with all the people you wronged in life in a fiery pit of despair (aka hell) is a relevant fear.

Like most of the 20% out there who aren't a part of a cult (aka religion) I like to believe in something bigger than myself when it's convenient for me.  If I really want to win the lottery, I send up a quick shout out.  If someone had a gun to my head, that’s about the quickest way to turn me into a devout Christian.  Realistically though, take a second to think about it.  There's a big strong white guy up in the clouds, wearing a loin cloth with a full beard with no chest hair that is responsible for all that happens to the nearly 7 billion people on earth.  Oh wait that’s not all, he's also taking care of all the people who have died and joined him in heaven, that’s got to be another couple of billion.  What about the animals? Yep, he warms them with his embrace as well.  Call me crazy but something about that strikes me as unrealistic.

One of the main things that rage me about church goers is that lack of responsibility they take for their own actions.  So you fucked your best friends wife, call it god’s will. You murdered a man with 3 kids and a mortgage? Tell the big guy you're sorry and eventually you will go to heaven and spend eternity eating philadelphia cream cheese without gaining a pound. You shit your pants?  My apologies but there is no godly excuse for that.  Now I should say that I'm the first to spin the dradle, accept the paid holiday on Good Friday or even sport a skanky Halloween costume (that is a god based holiday FYI) but that is where I draw the line.

So what the hell does my bitter and cynical self believe in?  Without sounding like a complete hippie I'm a strong believer in Karma.  Seeing as I don't always conduct myself as a stand up human being I would like to think I believe in karma in-spite of the downfalls it has for a person like me. Of course I also believe that both timing and fate largely contribute to peoples good fortune and even more so, their misery.  When it comes to death I just can't believe once you die, that's it.  That's far too depressing.  However I also can't force myself to believe spirits float up to a dreamy and bright place where everything is sunshine and lollipops.    I would like to think that if I died I would have the ability to look down and creep on people in a way facebook has never allowed.

I guess what it comes down to is that I'm just sick of people not using their brains. I’m sick of the countless people that believe in this garbage only because they didn't stop to think about how ridiculous the whole idea is.  Yes believing in things can most definitely create a positive but aren't there better things to believe in than religion?  Believe that you are capable of something bigger than just being a follower.  Believe that in the real world saying sorry for your sins doesn't always wash them away. Believe that you’re in control of your own god-damn life.  Believe you can do whatever the hell you want on this earth without fearing the repercussions.  Believe that G.O.D. & J.C. might be the most questionable fairy tales every told... and believe that if in fact there is a hell, I'll be seeing you there.